I usually start every year with some lesson or resolution that I hope will carry me through the next 12 months. I know I’m a little late this year with two weeks of January already gone. The holidays have kept me pretty busy!
In the last three weeks we played host to our family from Manila and Canada. And while all of it was fun, exciting, awesome and adventure-filled, I will admit that it was also physically exhausting (as most holiday experiences are, anywhere in the world).
We’re trying to get our routine back in place. There are still a few hiccups, with Jamie only now recovering from her congestion and fever (hence a further delay into my quiet “me-time” moment).
Maybe it’s the exhaustion and the high, but with all the conversations, all the visitors that have come and gone, and all the discussions of things that are yet to come… I still feel a little unsettled.
It’s been 5 months and 4 days since we moved, and I’ve gotten compliments left and right as to how well we’ve settled and adjusted. We’re ok; in fact we’re more than ok. My husband is very much into his new role and it seems to suit him well. He says he’s busy, but not stressed. The girls have their school, after school activities, Disneyland, friends and play dates. They love everything, including all the new discoveries we’ve made and continue to make.
And what about the mother, you ask? To some extent I have adapted and adjusted to our new life as well. Keeping things going on a daily basis is enough to occupy me and knock me out at the end of the day. I do what I usually do during the day and at night (if I can stay awake) I work on the stuff that need my attention back home. I know that I’m more comfortable running things day-to-day here too, if only for the nature of my personality. But I’ve also had to absorb the emotions and unexplainable feelings that every big change has brought to us all, most especially for the girls. I feel like it’s my role to keep things together and make every “change” or new occurrence as smooth a transition as possible.
On top of which, I’ve been thinking about what to do with myself. My husband and I have been talking about finding something part time for me too (that deserves a blog post all on its own though!), amongst plans we have for this year. All of that, coupled with everything that’s happening in Manila at the moment (the Pope’s visit) and my family moving into a new home), I can’t help but feel sometimes that I’m still neither here nor there.
Last night, my husband showed the girls some of our old You Tube videos. We opened the very first video he’d published, the one of Sam and myself right after I’d given birth to her. Whatever it was I was thinking and feeling, seeing the video and the caption “6 years ago” alongside my now 6-year old Sam just sent me to tears.
I was neither sad or happy — but maybe just overwhelmed. Six years, two kids, one additional business, and three big moves. All of this amongst so many other changes thrown into the mix — be they good, great, and life-changing — it feels like a lot. Sam for one, has had four different schools in six years, and Jamie two (in all of her three years and 10 months of existence). Just thinking of the big changes that may still come our way sends a little knot to my stomach.
Logically I know, I understand and I accept: change is good and inevitable. There will be some that are really a part of our day-to-day life. The kids alone are filled with so many little bumps and changes as they change and grow right before my very eyes. In my head, I can ride that kind of roller coaster and take what comes my way. That’s how I’m built after all.
Deep down inside though (beside the knot forming in my stomach), there’s that tiny voice that’s praying for a reprieve. Enough with the big roller coasters for once, no matter how fun and exciting each twist and turn is. Maybe, just maybe, this 2015, we can put a pause on all the big life-changing changes in our little family of four. We already had our new year last August 12, 2014. Maybe it’s time to just see this one through for a while.