I read through a few of the posts I’ve made over the last couple of months, and I realized that as this is a “study in motion”, it might be good to do a quick quarterly review / update with some of the developments that have taken place. So for those of you just “tuning in”, here’s a chance to catch a quick glimpse of previous posts I’ve made. 🙂
Fridays – our Fridays have recently evolved into a family day. A few weeks ago my husband started to “work from home” on Fridays, and now he goes with us to Sam’s Little Gym class. We figure that it would be nice to try and transition that day into something that Daddy and Daughter can do when the baby arrives. After all, she does have to learn to be independent of me.
The Sling vs The Double-Stroller – Truth be told we have not gotten either yet, although I do think we’re leaning more towards the double-stroller, given the most recent news as well about the Baby Sling recalls. My husband has taken to the Baby Jogger City Select, but we haven’t gotten around to getting one yet. While bigger and bulkier, I would think I’d like to have it around to use at my convenience, wherever I am in the world.
Lunch at School – We tried this out once a week for a month, but each trial ended in untouched lunch and a whole lot of tears. Even if Sam was excited to take her lunchbox to school each time and all the teachers prepped her for staying longer, she would always freak out when they got to the point where she had to sit with everyone else and eat, and they’d have to call me to come earlier to get her. The teachers had several theories as to why it wasn’t working out, and instead of pursuing this now, we just decided that she could do it when she’s much older. Maybe there was too much change going on in her life. So we went back to lunches with mom.
book by Joanna Cole
Preparations for Jamie’s arrival – To date I am 39 weeks and 5 days, and I am literally raring to go. There is no more space in our freezer for me to cook anything else. All the baby clothes have been washed and packed. The digital gadgets are all properly charged and the infant car seat is in its place. Sam has gotten her Big Sister book and my mother is here, so we’ve spent the past few days prepping her about mommy sleeping in the hospital. All that’s missing is the baby. I’ve gained the weight, done the time, so let’s go!
Sam’s sleep-training – Well, part 2 has been written out, and I apologize for keeping you in suspense about it. I still would like to wait and see, maybe for a couple more days.
Maybe that’s why there is no book on the study of motherhood. It is still evolving and changing on a daily basis, like an on-going experiment. Maybe that’s why we grow up the way we do, too — as results of live experimentation!
I feel I have a lot to say about sleep-training since it is one of our biggest challenges, so this may have to come in 2 (or even 3!) parts.
THE PREMISE
“Sleep-training” in the strictest definition is generally a foreign concept to most Filipino parents like me. For one, it’s typical Filipino (or is it Asian?) culture to allow our children, however many they may be, to co-sleep… until they’re 30 years old (Seriously, we generally let them decide when they can move out of the room and into their own space, praying that their age is still within the single digits). They don’t sleep in a separate room from the get-go, as is common here.
Secondly, because of the presence of extended famiy members, yayas and other warm bodies, babies never really have to “self soothe” or “cry it out” since there’s always someone that is there for them. Again I speak in general terms — I know of some of my contemporaries who have done sleep-training by the book desspite of all these other people around. Yet I feel it is safe to say, independent sleep for babies and toddlers is not something we’re very strict about. Even some of my Filipina friends here, like Mommy Virginia-Boston, only really sleep-trained her eldest daughter during her 3rd trimester with her 2nd child (more on this as we go along).
On the contrary, most of my American friends have Sam’s playmates in a separate room from about 3 months old and up. Again I can understand why too — here it’s generally just you and your child, and so you’ll go nuts if you were at their mercy every night and nap. I suppose you also really have to have the drive to get it done, and I would have to admit even if I tried, I couldn’t see it through.
We were never really strict about sleep training Sam to begin with. Especially since my husband absolutely could not and would not hear of her crying for over two minutes. In his defense, I hear that is typical behavior of first-time fathers, particularly of girls.
Hence, my days were so much shorter because I’d spend so much time getting Sam to sleep (both naptime and nighttime). She’s also a very light sleeper, so any single noise or change in body temperature, such as me leaving the room eventually, she’d wake up.
THE BACKGROUND
This was taken last Dec '10. Before Christmas. Our bed friends have grown in number since then.
Pre-sleep training days, our nighttime routine would consist of a bath, some books, and two hours’ worth of delaying tactics between me and her dad before she’d finally doze off. I’d have to be in on the bed within reach too. More often than not, it was so exhausting that I’d fall asleep and I wouldn’t be able to get much done on the off-chance I’d still wake up after. She has all these “bed friends” too who come to sleep with her every night and would take up space.
Of course I realized that this so-called routine could not go on with baby #2 on the way, and so I made the firm decision that after she turned 2, then we would start to train her to go to bed independently. Anyway the Sleep Easy Solution book that I read said it would take about 3-5 days if we were consistent about it. Lesson #1: NEVER BELIEVE IT!
I will tell you about a book that I did like though: the 90-minute Sleep Program by Dr Polly Moore. The basic premise of this book was to follow your child’s basic rest and alert cycles, or BRAC for short, which generally lasted in increments of 90-mins, up until a little after a year. After that, then they go by the clock. That was generally what Sam was like as a baby and I’d have to say this book helped keep me sane.
Okay, sorry to veer slightly off-topic. Anyway, after she turned two last December, it’s been sleep-training zone in our apartment. It’s now three months later — and before I tell you where we are in terms of progress, let me give you a few scenarios as to why I don’t believe it will take only 3-5 days to get it right.
It’s hard to be hardcore consistent. First of all, with any kind of sleep training, crying will definitely be involved. I realized later on that they cry because they’re protesting the change (Who likes change anyway?), and because they’re obviously not getting what they want. So depending on your tolerance level, then it might be hard to listen to for long periods of time.
As mentioned previously, Daddy has a negative tolerance. So the first month we were up and down. On some days he would just walk out and drown himself in the TV, and on some days, when I would try to run into the bathroom for a shower in an attempt to give Sam her “space” but still be in the room, she would wait until I’d close the bathroom door, and then run out of bed and bang on the bedroom door to get her daddy in. So by the time I’d come out of the shower, he would be playing with her again and nothing would happen with our initial attempts.
Other times, we would work it out such that Sam and I would go for days detaching and getting through the crying (it does stop after 3 days, I’ll give them that), but then something happens, like a telecon I’d have to attend for work, then the progress is put to a halt because it’s not me putting her to sleep.
Also, at least in our case, dummies really don’t work. Some books said to give her a companion to “replace you”, but as you can see from above, we just end up sleeping with the zoo and then some.
Mind you, as I was doing this, I was (am) also pregnant and hormonal, and my patience could only take me so far. There were nights when I’d just really give in because I was so frustrated and think that it will all work itself out later on. It was that or, we would learn the hard way. And when this would come to mind, my resolve would come back in full force to try again. Therefore, I concluded early on that sleep-training was (is!) an emotional roller coaster of a ride!
So it took a while. A looong while, but eventually, I did get some sort of a result. 🙂
Sam has this book called “The Very Cranky Bear“, by Nick Bland. We discovered it at a book fair and we read it almost every night. Sam has practically memorized the text but to humor us, reads it out loud anyway. Naturally, the story is about a cranky bear and some animals who try to make him un-cranky so they can play in his cozy bear cave.
On a separate note, my husband and I watched Marley and Me off our Netflix movie list (If you haven’t seen the movie, stop reading). Anyway, there was this portion when Jennifer Aniston goes through her postpartum depression breakdown right after having their second baby. The scenes go on for a couple of minutes one after the other, until she finally loses it and she and Owen have this big fight (Lesson #1 – never fight with someone who has JUST given birth).
As I was watching it I was laughing because of how real it will almost be to us, 2 kids (no dog!) living on our own, while the husband goes to work and comes home to a very irate wife. But when I turned to my husband to see if he could share the moment with me too, he was just sitting there quietly with this look on his face.
He then tells me in a shaky-sheepish-small voice, “I’m scared. I can see it now. You’re going to be THE cranky bear!”
I laughed even harder (trying not to break my water bag!) and said, “Really you think? What makes you so sure?” In reply, the water that he was drinking basically comes flying out of his nose involuntarily.
Well. At least he knows what he married into! 😉 Roaaaar!
On semi-related note, several days ago as I posted on Facebook, Sam says quite loudly, “Sam is as small as a mouse. And Mommy is as big as a bear!”
So maybe I am a bear. One that will turn into a cow very very soon.
Today is my personal tribute to my grandmother, Mama Mia. We called her that because she said she didn’t want the title Grandmother, or Lola in our vernacular tongue, since it made her sound old and she said she wasn’t ever going to be old.
I lived with Mia all my life up until I got married. She was (is) my other mom in every sense of the word. My mom was working and so Mia raised me as her 8th child (well 9th, if you consider her daughter that died 6 days after birth — I cannot imagine what that is like. Growing up though, she always said she had 7 children, me being the 8th). She then went on to raise my two younger siblings and we were fortunate to have her around all the time.
She died last year in June from long standing diabetic complications. I wasn’t able to fly home for the funeral. I did send a letter as part of her eulogy, and a few pictures for her slideshow. I was sad not to be there but I was also relieved to know she wasn’t physically suffering anymore.
Two weeks after her passing, I found out I was expecting our 2nd baby. March is Mia’s birth month as well and I am due any day now as you all know. I truly believe Jamie is Mia’s last “gift” to my little family. I feel fortunate as well that Sam got to know her when we visited Manila in 2009, and Sam recognizes her face when she sees Mia’s pictures. I actually believe she sees Mia regularly (and Grandpa and my dad, who I tell her are hers and Jamie’s guardian angels). Trust Mia to always be around watching over me and my girls.
I was “Grandpa’s Princess“, as the eldest of eleven grandchildren — and Mia made sure I always felt extra special. She did treat me like a princess (as my uncles have fondly dubbed me, Princess Poto-poto. I have no idea what that means but I happily carry the title). She loved all her grandchildren for sure and spoiled us silly, but I still make the proud claim of being the favorite. 🙂 I would secretly get a little extra in my Christmas envelope, or a little bit more chocolates as compared to everyone else. All my requests were always considered and given a little bit more attention.
I used to just see her as my grandmother who ran the house. She was someone who loved to have people around her, and who loved my friends — she would remember them for specific instances in my life and would always want to meet them when they came to the house. She made a special approval of my husband too during his courtship-dating days, who of course charmed his way into her life (a smart move on his part). She also always took an interest in my grades and would push me to do better, and whatever I would bring home, I’d get some sort of congratulatory reward.
When they say motherhood changes everything, it also refers to how you see the mother figures in your life. I said I used to see her as just my grandmother, but now as a mother raising my own children, I can’t help but admire her even more. To carry and bring 8 children into this world (With no epidural! OH MY LORD!) and raise them, to run a household full-time and to cater to every single need that my Grandpa had in spite of all her illnesses — it all takes on a new meaning for me now. Looking back at everything she’s said and done to me, for me and for the people around me, I can’t even begin to relate how much I have learned and am still learning from her example.
Thank you Mia, for everything.
May your first birthday in heaven with Grandpa be filled with overflowing joy and peace.
